Monday, 11 July 2016

Ramblings About Things That Have Changed Me

There are many things that I have gone through that have changed the person I am to the very core. The sudden loss of my dad changed the way I approach life (you know what, life really is too short and is precious and can be gone in a moment). Infertility changed me. Becoming a mum changed me. Being a preemie mum, an NICU mum, a heart mum... Those things all altered who I am and what I do completely.

I do believe that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but - if I'm being completely honest - I don't think that all of these difficult experiences have necessarily made me a better person. I don't think I'm a bad person, but I look at myself and I see someone I can't say I'm 100% proud of.

These things have all left scars on my soul. They have taken things away from me that a lot of people take for granted. When people say you can't miss what you never had, they're wrong. I have grieved for so many hopes and dreams of pregnancy. I have grieved for a complete third trimester. I have grieved for labour. I have grieved for the opportunity to hold my newborn baby and bond with him immediately. I have grieved for the relationship my dad will never have with his only grandson. The grieving is an ongoing process, and I'm still finding myself hit by waves of it from time to time.

My way of dealing with the difficult times is to shut myself off. I haven't been on social media for over 2 weeks. I haven't posted on Samson's blog. I'm dealing with some delayed post-trauma feelings and trying to process everything we've gone through in the last couple of years. And, the thing is, nobody seems to have noticed. So now I'm wondering if, during all these traumatic times, I've pushed everyone away - or maybe let them drift away - because it kind of feels like the only people I have in my life right now are my husband, my son and my mum. Either that, or I've done such a fantastic job of keeping my chin up and my game face on that people genuinely think that of course I'm OK and everything is OK, because why wouldn't it be?

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1 comment:

  1. I certainly believe that sometimes, it takes a while for our feelings of grief, trauma, and stress to truly catch up with us. And it's 100% ok that you're not ok right now. While I obviously can't say for sure, I wouldn't say that people "haven't noticed" your absence. It may be more likely that people are actually giving you space that you may need rather than pestering you about where you "are." Sometimes, that's just what is needed even if we don't know it!

    My thoughts and prayers are with you as you tackle all of the feelings and emotions that are confronting you at this time!


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