Tuesday, 19 July 2016

Introducing My Beautiful Boy

If you've been following on me on Instagram over the last 14 months, then you've had a few glimpses of this handsome little chap. I thought it would be nice to introduce him properly though, and share a little bit more of what he's really like.

So... this is my gorgeous boy:

He's very cute, cheeky and mischievous. He has a thing for socks and shoes - any that he finds lying around he will pick up and hold his feet up next to them as if to say "I want to put these on". He isn't walking unassisted yet, but he has wanted to spend most of his time on his feet for months and months now. He's getting pretty confident at walking holding just one hand now. He has one tooth, and another is very nearly through.

Another favourite thing of his is balls. He has a ball pool at Grandma's house, and he thoroughly enjoys throwing the balls out of the pool and across the floor. Even better if he can get them under the sofa! He loves kicking them around too.

We can't get him to clap for anything - 14 months old and he's never clapped! - but ask him for a high five and he'll happily dish those out for ages. We haven't had any first words yet, but he is very vocal and babbles on incessantly at times. You can totally tell when he's telling you off!

Our daily "routine" is quite hard going, so we haven't been able to enjoy many days out and things like that yet. He has severe reflux, and although he's on a high dose of the big bad reflux medicine it can still be very difficult. The reflux itself isn't as prolific these days, but he can still only tolerate relatively small volumes of food and milk - which means that he needs feeding approximately every 2 hours. He also tends to have 3 naps during the day, so in between sleeping and feeds every couple of hours we don't have a lot of free time! He's the only baby I've ever known who point blank refuses to sleep in his pram, so we can't really take him out and expect him to have a nap sometime along the way. He just won't. He's way too inquisitive for that!

He loves CBeebies, and his favourite TV shows are In The Night Garden, Waybuloo, Twirlywoos and Teletubbies. The smile on his face when any of those programmes come on never fails to completely melt my heart. He also has little fixations on certain adverts, and when they come on you absolutely will not get a response out of him. His favourite at the moment seems to be any of the Gtech adverts - once Nick from Gtech starts talking, his gaze is firmly fixed on the TV until the advert is finished!

I could go on for ages about my precious boy, but I won't. I hope you've enjoyed getting to know him a little bit!

 photo 5b781646-78a7-4470-93c6-49aaf696000e_zpsc88ee6b7.png

Monday, 11 July 2016

Ramblings About Things That Have Changed Me

There are many things that I have gone through that have changed the person I am to the very core. The sudden loss of my dad changed the way I approach life (you know what, life really is too short and is precious and can be gone in a moment). Infertility changed me. Becoming a mum changed me. Being a preemie mum, an NICU mum, a heart mum... Those things all altered who I am and what I do completely.

I do believe that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but - if I'm being completely honest - I don't think that all of these difficult experiences have necessarily made me a better person. I don't think I'm a bad person, but I look at myself and I see someone I can't say I'm 100% proud of.

These things have all left scars on my soul. They have taken things away from me that a lot of people take for granted. When people say you can't miss what you never had, they're wrong. I have grieved for so many hopes and dreams of pregnancy. I have grieved for a complete third trimester. I have grieved for labour. I have grieved for the opportunity to hold my newborn baby and bond with him immediately. I have grieved for the relationship my dad will never have with his only grandson. The grieving is an ongoing process, and I'm still finding myself hit by waves of it from time to time.

My way of dealing with the difficult times is to shut myself off. I haven't been on social media for over 2 weeks. I haven't posted on Samson's blog. I'm dealing with some delayed post-trauma feelings and trying to process everything we've gone through in the last couple of years. And, the thing is, nobody seems to have noticed. So now I'm wondering if, during all these traumatic times, I've pushed everyone away - or maybe let them drift away - because it kind of feels like the only people I have in my life right now are my husband, my son and my mum. Either that, or I've done such a fantastic job of keeping my chin up and my game face on that people genuinely think that of course I'm OK and everything is OK, because why wouldn't it be?

 photo 5b781646-78a7-4470-93c6-49aaf696000e_zpsc88ee6b7.png

Friday, 8 July 2016

A (Long Overdue!) 101 in 1001 Update

I think today I am 774 days into my 1001 days, so an update is long overdue!

Probably the biggest achievement on my list - and the one that has seen me pretty much neglect the rest of it - is #67.

67 Have a baby

Up to now, I have also completed those below:

1 Write a list of 101 things to do in 1001 days! 28 May 2014
5 See a movie in IMAX or 3D 9 August 2014
10 Read a book in a day (Where She Went)
23 Explore Paris by night 13 August 2014
25 Visit one new state December 2014
28 Kiss in front of the Eiffel Tower 13 August 2014
31 Visit a castle 18 October 2014
37 Go to 5 different museums (5/5)
38 Visit the Palace of Versailles 12 August 2014
39 Spend New Year's Eve in another country NYE 2014/2015 in New York
43 Go to New York at Christmas time
44 Visit an art museum 13 August 2014
50 Go on a road trip without a pre-set destination 14 June 2014
54 Start a new blog
61 Send flowers to someone March 2015
62 See a musical 21 June 2014
63 Gamble in a casino December 2014
67 Have a baby 6 May 2015
68 Meet an online friend in person 7 June 2014
69 Make a Year in Pictures album April 2016
76 Vote in a general election May 2015
86 Buy a new guest bed
96 Don't eat chocolate for a week
97 Create a meal planner
98 Sort out my wardrobe and donate any old clothes

In progress:

6 Watch 50 films I've never seen before (I just can't remember how many I've watched - I do have a list!)
19 Write on 20 creative writing prompts. (2/20)
24 Visit 5 capital cities (2/5)
45 Visit 10 local tourist attractions (2/10)
101 Make 10 things I've pinned on Pinterest (1/5)

There's still soooo much of my list to go at, and I know I've got basically no chance of achieving all 101 things. But that's OK, my priorities have changed somewhat since I started this little project - and there are some thing I should be able to achieve and that will be all the more enjoyable with the little guy in tow!

 photo 5b781646-78a7-4470-93c6-49aaf696000e_zpsc88ee6b7.png