Thursday, 27 March 2014

IVF and Life: Not A Great Combination

It's almost 3 weeks since I started downregging. I've known a few people who have been through IVF, so I had some idea (or so I thought) of what to expect. Of course, everyone is different and reacts differently to the treatment, but it's fair to say I wasn't actually prepared in the slightest.

I'm tired. In fact, tired doesn't cover it. Dead on my feet is a little closer to the truth. If I'm not at work, I'm in bed. I had expected to have less energy than usual, but it's so much worse than I imagined. I spend my days yawning constantly, those big yawns that bring tears to the eyes. I have little to no concentration or attention span. I hear people around me talking, laughing, and I just don't have the energy to try and focus on what they're saying. I don't even want to try. At home, I'm struggling to hold a conversation with Boy because I can't remember from one minute to the next what the last thing I said was. In the past, there have been times I've been awake for 40+ hours straight, had jetlag to deal with and I'd honestly trade the way I feel now for that. That was a walk in the park compared to this!

All aspects of my life have had to be put on hold because of this treatment. Blogging has taken a slide (as you've probably noticed); my creative juices just aren't flowing at all and stringing a coherent sentence together is way more challenging than it should be. Reading blogs just isn't happening either. My unread Bloglovin posts went over the 1000 mark a couple of days ago, but as I'm going to bed when I'm at home I haven't switched my laptop on for long enough to even start to make a dent in the backlog. It's taking everything I have to keep going with the #100HappyDays challenge on Instagram. I missed a wedding a couple of weeks back that I've spent the last 12 months looking forward to; not only was I exhausted, but the timing of my injections and the time of the wedding reception just couldn't work.

I've always known that I don't like needles, and would avoid them if at all possible. Since starting this process, I've learnt that if I have to have daily injections, I'd rather be in control of them than somebody else. I hoped that I might reach the stage of grudging acceptance, but I haven't. In fact, I'm suffering from nightmares about needles - believe me, this is not helping the process at all!

I also didn't realise that when you start poking sharp objects through your skin every day, after a few days your skin starts to develop some resistance. I found that out the hard way, a week in to my treatment. It took me 15 (yes, fifteen!) attempts to pierce through beyond the top layer of skin. I drew blood for the first time; not once, but twice. I cried my eyes out. I'm not great at dealing with pain, but what was worse than that was the fear of failure. What if I couldn't get that injection in, and it ruined everything?

So that, dear blog friends, is what I've learned about IVF so far. I knew it wasn't going to be easy by any stretch of the imagination, but I admit that I underestimated just how hard it was going to be. I'm told that once I start stimming my energy will come back, and I really hope that's true. I'm tired of being tired. I miss having the energy to be happy. I miss having interaction with others. I miss feeling that I'm living rather than just existing.

**This post originally appeared on my old blog and has been imported to Living for the Victories**

9 comments:

  1. I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time right now! I'm sure that things will get better!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hugs to you, Jenni!! I feel pretty zombified myself at the moment, but when I read this, I feel like a bundle of energy. Just push through somehow, it'll be worth it in the end. And try to talk to your hubby. Let this experience draw you closer together, not pull you apart. Let me know if there's anything I can do!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sorry that you are feeling so tired. We are going through some fertility treatments also - not IVF though - and I am feeling the exhaustion of the medicine they have put me on. Hoping and praying that your energy returns soon!
    Amanda at His and Her Hobbies

    ReplyDelete
  4. Lupron sucks! Hang in there momma, as a 5 time IVF veteran I can tell you that at some point it will get better (even if its after transfer). HUGE HUGS! I am thinking about you and have everything crossed.

    ReplyDelete
  5. You can do it! Hang in there! It's worth it and while I know that you've heard this/will hear this OVER AND OVER-- before no time you will be pregnant and in the delivery room with a sweet bundle of joy!! XOXO

    ReplyDelete
  6. I learn more and more about IVF through reading blogs. I too dislike needles but have learned to "deal" with them from all of my infertility treatments and miscarriages. I am on a new medication to try to help my migraines and it is making me tired. Probably not nearly as much as you but I feel your frustration. Good thought my dear friend!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm terribly sorry that this is so hard for you but I do hope that it is all worth it in the end!!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Sorry that things are not going well right now. Poor thing! :( But hopefully, it will all be worth it! Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh hon, I'm so sorry that this has been such a struggle for you! I can't even imagine what it must be like, but I really admire you for trying to keep a positive attitude and sticking with it. Hang in there! And don't worry about the blog world... we'll always be here when you come back. :-)

    ReplyDelete

So glad you're here, don't forget to say hi! I respond to comments by email, so please make sure you check the "share my email address" box in your Blogger profile. Thanks! :)