Wednesday, 29 January 2014

The Reality of Being 30

When I was younger, 30 seemed so grown up. I didn't really have a clear image of a career path, but I always imagined that by the age of 30 I would have been married for 4 or 5 years, and would have one or two kids. I imagined having a family home that may not have been perfect, but it would be ours and we would love it. I thought I would have seen a lot of the world, and visited all the places I wanted to the most of all.

The reality isn't quite how I imagined. I didn't meet the man I would end up marrying until I was 23, and I was 26 when we got engaged and then we married a year later. We still hoped to be parents before we were 30 as we had a couple of years to achieve that - but that was when we had the naive notion that reproducing is as simple as they tell you it is in high school.

We did buy our own house just over 5 years ago, but it's far from idyllic! We do love it in some ways, because it is our home and it is where we hope to raise our family, but in other ways we absolutely hate it. There are so many things that are broken, don't work as they should, and there have been many times we've been convinced that the house is cursed.

I haven't travelled anywhere near as much as I would have liked to, but I have visited the places that were at the absolute top of my list. Those being New York, Cairo, and Mexico.

I also remember as a kid that I thought adulthood would be great because I would be able to watch anything I wanted on TV, stay up as late as I wanted, eat whatever I wanted, buy anything I wanted... The sad reality is that having a mortgage and bills zaps all the money away and doesn't leave a lot for frivolous spending. Working at a job that pays a decent salary and is located almost 2 hours from home makes me a very tired girl, so staying up late is rare because I have to be up early to go to work. My metabolism stopped being quite so efficient a couple of years ago - so although I do kind of eat whatever I want, it shows. I do get to watch whatever I want on TV though, and I can come home from work and put my pyjamas straight on because I'm an adult and I'm in charge and I want to so I will. It's one of the best moments of my day.

**This post originally appeared on my old blog and has been imported to Living for the Victories**

Tuesday, 7 January 2014

Fear and Infertility Strike Again

You know the old expression "worried sick"? I am the living embodiment of that today. My stomach is in knots, I'm a bag of nerves, and I think if anyone just looked at me the wrong way I'd probably burst into tears.

Today is a day that Boy and I have waited so long for. Yesterday, I was fine - relaxed, calm, and kind of looking forward to it. Today, I feel sick to my stomach and I can't focus on anything else at all.

Today, we have our first appointment at the IVF clinic. I hope with everything I have that by the end of today, we have some kind of a plan and a timeline instead of the endless "what ifs" and "maybes". But I can't shake the nerves that maybe we won't, maybe some other spanner will get thrown in the works - we've had so many already and we're kind of used to it, so it wouldn't surprise me. I'll be honest with you; I'm terrified.

**This post originally appeared on my old blog and has been imported to Living for the Victories**